Stories Make Scripts (That Tell Stories)
How we get in endless cycles of believing the worst and what we can do about it.
We would love to think that we always come to the table neutral in all our encounters, but we never do. Our minds are always connecting dots, filling gaps, and creating meaning—even if the meaning is wrong. In the book Crucial Conversations, the authors map the process in this way:1
The gap between our experience (“see and hear”) and our response (“act”) feels instant, but only because we’ve already called the play so many times. We often fail to realize that we are stuck in a pattern because of a story we are telling.
Our Stories
Our stories are those experiences we have had that anchor us. As we have lived life we’ve picked up a lot of baggage—some baggage is rather light, other baggage is heavy. We’d love to check our baggage at the door, but it comes with us wherever we go. One area where we all have stories is how we engage with authority figures. Let’s try an example.
Your boss texts you and asks, “Can we meet?”
How do you respond?
For some, these three words are like poison: they get deeper into our hearts than we ever anticipated, and the rest of our day is ruined. Our immediate reaction might be, “What did I do wrong?” We process our week and find the failure points, we get self-protective. We wonder if we are going to lose our jobs. We go back to another time in our life where we got in trouble for taking initiative and we vowed to never do anything that would get us in trouble again. For others, perhaps they worked in a place where feedback was common and expected, so a request for a meeting just meant an opportunity for personal or professional growth.
Our Scripts
Our scripts are those habits that determine the way we act before we even think about it. Consider the scripts like psychological autopilot—they are how we get through the day and learn to cope with all that comes our way.
Before we respond to the text, we’ve already gone somewhere. We’ve felt something. Positively or negatively, we’ve created some picture that could easily align (but likely misalign) with reality. However, the story feels ingrained—and the response become predictable. What do we do in that instance?
For many, they withdraw and ignore the request and hope the boss forgets.
For others, they enthusiastically respond with, “Of course!”
Others go seek out validation from peers, “The boss wants to meet, can you think of anything I did lately that I’d be in trouble for.”
Others fake enthusiasm, say yes, and then worry every minute until the meeting happens.
Whatever the response, it has been finely-tuned based on prior experiences—whether we realize it or not.
Our Stories (Revisited)
These scripts create powerful feedback loops into our identity and reinforce whatever picture we had to start with. For example, if we have had good performance reviews and have had great experiences with authorities in our life, a request to meet becomes an opportunity for growth, and a reinforcement that we are good at what we do.
If a previous organization handled staff conflict poorly, we tell ourself that we can’t do anything right and we wonder where the failure was. It feeds into the story of who we are and how we show up at work, at home, or anywhere else. Those stories become very loud in our minds.
Breaking the Cycle
What’s missing, though, is that none of these reactions honor the other person (or people) in the equation. It is often unfair—not to mention potentially unloving—that our boss, our mom, or perhaps even our spouse gets treated without the benefit of the doubt. Nobody wants to operate this way.
We need to break the cycle, and there are a few strategies that can help us:
See the Pattern: First, we need to slow down and see how we generally respond. State (out loud, if you’re comfortable) how you know you will likely respond (“I know I will want to think the worst about this situation”). We can’t address what we can’t (or are unwilling to) see.
Flip the Script: Once the pattern is seen we can begin to flip the script. Where one’s mind might usually move to, “Why can’t I ever do the right thing?” We are freer to think, “I wonder how this conversation will help me.” We can flip the script in our response, too, refusing to revert to an old habit. If the usual pattern is disengagement, we can choose to respond quickly—even enthusiastically.
Assume the Best: We might not need this newsflash, but most people are not out to get us. Believe the best and do not run to dark places—they only hurt. We may feel like a victim of our circumstances, but we are not. What we believe about someone is our choice, not theirs.
Confront the Fear: This last strategy is the hardest, but perhaps the most beneficial. If we are willing, and the relationship has enough safety, address the false narrative directly. Talk to the person(s) in question and speak plainly. “Thanks for this request, I’d love to meet. In the past, I’ve had bad experiences with these types of meetings—and I often worry I did something wrong. That’s not fair to me or to you. So, to help me, can you let me know what this meeting is about?”
These strategies might feel simple, but many of us do not do them regularly. We feel stuck in our scripts and stories. However, with some simple shifts in how we think (and react) we can rewrite the scripts that we feel bound to.