Every week I sit and talk with people about their problems—with their work, at home, or just with themselves—and what they should do about it. At times we’ll debrief feedback they are getting from others. Many times that feedback tracks with how the person self-assesses; other times it feels off. When it’s off, it can be discouraging.
“I know that people are saying that I can be short in certain interactions, but I’ve really been working on that. I feel like I’ve changed.”
“I know you’ve been working on it.”
Depending on my relationship with the person, I might share my own experience to help make a point.
“I recently got told I would benefit from smiling more.” (Those who know me are probably smirking.)
“Really? I feel like you smile all the time.”
“You only see me on calls. I have a picture of myself the whole time so I get immediate feedback on how engaged I look.”
The Long Tail of Change
We can get discouraged when we are working specifically on ways to change and people in our lives don’t see it. Our flaws and failures stare us down all day—telling us where we fall short and how often.
We make genuine efforts to adjust—to have more energy, to respond more quickly, to show more gratitude, to be more present—but we wonder if it makes any difference.
I put it like this: change has a long tail. You start it on Tuesday, but people might not realize it for five years.
Why is this so hard? Because the people closest to us—the ones who benefit most from our change—are often the last ones to believe it happened. This isn’t a fault of theirs. Our track record is our track record. On the flip side, more recent relationships (like the people I meet with on screens) have no backlog of experiences that tell them any differently.
When I tell people I’ve met more recently that I’m thoroughly introverted and can be disengaged, they don’t believe me. When I talk to my neighbor at lunch, we laugh and tell stories and have a great time (part of this is because Courtney joins and she’s great at conversation). But the track record is still the track record.
So the discouragement rears its head because (1) we want those closest to us to see the change, but (2) they likely are still wondering if it’ll stick. The longer the track record, the more suspicion. This is part of change. Even Saul got side-eye when he tried to show up in Jerusalem (likely three years post-conversion) and be like, “I know I saw people executed and all but it’s been a while and I’m definitely different” (see Acts 9:26).
And we’re left to wonder, “Have I really changed?”
So What Can We Do?
If you’re reading this, you have one of three roles. You could be the one changing (like John Mayer—who is not done changing). You could be cautiously observing changes in someone you’ve known for a long time (parent, spouse, longtime friend, etc.). Or you could be new in the life of someone who doesn’t present like the person others say they’ve been. Very often we are all three of these people bound together at various stages of development.
And there’s something for each of these roles.
To the one changing: don’t lose heart. You got yourself into the situation and you have to live with it. Sad but true. When a spouse or a longtime friend doesn’t think the change has stuck, keep at it. You’re in the long tail. When people tell me that I can be short or dismissive, I have to say, “You’re right.” I don’t need to prove that I’m different. Time will tell. For some, the time is minutes; for others, it’s years.
To those who are suspicious of the change: Believe the best. You’ll have to continue extending trust and the “love believes all things” aspect of the relationship more often than you’d like. And you’ll have to keep reminding yourself to think differently about the person, because you have ways you’ve learned to treat the person. Where you can, offer encouragement, and admit some of the issue is your inability to believe differently.
To those new to the relationship and without the baggage: Fan to flame the change you’ve seen. We need people in our lives who can see we are different and say, “I’ve never received you that way.” Those are shots in the arm and remind us that change is happening, even if incremental.
What change are you tackling that you’re in the long tail of?
Some related posts. One on offering honest feedback and another on beginning to operate differently and trusting the relationships truly have changed.
Totally relate to this - from both perspectives. Found this particular talk especially helpful and encouraging.
Smiling is good!