“You can come across as flippant and cocky.”
“You’re dismissive.”
“You get impatient.”
“It feels like sometimes you are judging other people’s answers as you respond to what they say.”
“I don’t feel seen by you.”
All of these (and more) have been said about me—actually, they were said right to me. In fact, I asked for them.
And they were all said in the past four months.
Tell Me How You Really Feel
In February at our elder retreat and in May with our staff we ran the team effectiveness exercise. This is a tool put out by Pat Lencioni’s Table Group, but I just consider it the tool that makes groups of people be more honest with each other for the first time.
What is it? You essentially go around the room, one person at a time, and tell that person (1) their single biggest behavior that benefits the team and (2) their single biggest behavior that hinders the team.
You have to focus your responses on the team you’re on that is doing the exercise, not just random observations about that person’s life. So if you know that I always upgrade to a large fries and drink on my Chick-fil-A meal, you can’t just bring it up because you want to talk about my diet. If I show up with that meal before every meeting, never share my fries, smack my food and don’t pay attention to the agenda, that one fits as a “Hey, Hans, you’re holding us back here.”
When I lead these, I often start in reverse: tell them the hard one, let the leader seek feedback on what was shared, then tell them the good one.
Many leaders are self-aware enough to know what they’re going to hear, good and bad, but hearing how the team sees the behavior(s) impacting them becomes the surround sound we often need.
I’ve led four of these this year: on teams I’m on and teams I’m working with. Each time, they produce outsized impact. Sometimes it is the first time people hear real feedback on their behavior.
Compounding Behaviors
The reason for the impact is because the small things compound—and it is the small things we often fail to share.
Most teams aren’t full of day drinkers who scream in every meeting and rarely do their job. That behavior wouldn’t be something you’d wait to share in a team building exercise. That’s something you should fire someone for.
But lots of teams have people on them who don’t show up prepared for meetings, or their cameras are off for video calls and they rarely chime in, or they critique every idea and explain why it won’t work. These can feel more like more annoyances than hindrances.
On the flip side, the people you work with probably do things that you’ve grown fond of but you’ve never told them. They don’t seem like that big of a deal, but, then again, the small things compound.
I told a friend I work with that I think one of his biggest contributions to the team is he chooses to cook us lunch a few times a year and, when he makes a coffee run, asks the office what they want. He has tons of skills, but it’s that habit that makes us more cohesive. Without it, we’d be a much poorer team.
I’ve told another that her attitude to help anyone out is so genuine. I appreciate how a “yes” from her isn’t begrudging but enthusiastic. It’s an authentic desire to support.
Yet another I told that his demeanor when he enters a room for our meetings lifts everyone. He goes, person by person, and gives handshakes or hugs. Showing them utmost respect every time. It sets the tone.
I’ve seen a long-tenured employee begin to cry when her teammates told her they view her as a mentor. She had no idea.
Exercises like this give you an opportunity to hear from others, and share with others, those little things that often make or break the team.
Committing to One Another
So after it all ends, you’ve heard the good and the bad, you ask your clarifying questions (many people want examples), and then you consider how to commit to the people you work with.
Based upon everything that you’ve heard, what will you do? Don’t pick thirty things; pick one.
In the most recent one I was in, a lot of the less helpful behavior said about me came down to how I engage with people in meetings. So I took a little time and created a list of meeting rules for myself. I shared it with the team and they helped me shore up some of my own ideas for meetings.
Slow Down: Not every meeting has something at stake to win. See the room and the people in it.
Listen More: This one was originally “leave room,” but I felt slowing down and listening more was actually doing that. Focus on what’s being said, what’s nonverbal, and the words that are being used.
Ask Questions: Don’t give answers—a bad habit of mine. Ensure I really hear how other people are feeling about a topic matters more than if they understand me.
Confirm Clarity: Use time to ensure those in the room understand what is going on, what is expected, by when, etc.
Know Yourself: I need to understand my temperament, that I can be prone to frustration, and that I’m usually ready to move along when others might not be.
Yes, it spells the word SLACK. I showed up to the meeting with SLAC and really wanted it to be an acronym, so someone threw in the “K” and I liked it.
You might say, “Yeah, Hans, but aren’t those behaviors that would be good for anyone?” Sure. But they came out of feedback given directly to me, said by people who work with me, and who need something more from me, and want something more for me.
And it came because we provided space.
Where do you need to provide space to hear the compounding little things?