Sitting beside my desk right now is a dirty container that previously held Greek yogurt with chia seeds and some fruit. You’ll also find a plastic container that still has a little hummus left in it where the carrots couldn’t quite reach.
Most mornings, Courtney prepares these two items for me. My doctor said I needed to be more aware of my glucose control so I changed my diet this year. Low-fat Greek yogurt with chia seeds and fruit are on the agenda almost every day. I hate chopped veggies but if they are prepared for me, I’ll eat them.
However, these containers have a story to tell about marriage, and it begins with a lunch request.
What’s for Lunch?
I don’t know what your family dynamics look like, but I do NOT enjoy picking what food I’ll eat. In fact, choosing restaurants or meals to be cooked orbits right around getting root canals for me. Having gotten two root canals in my life, I can testify that they are actually much easier (and less painful) than having to pick a restaurant.
Point me in a direction, and I’ll go, but food choices are at the bottom of my list of choices I want to make or feel as if I need to make.
One particular morning, after Courtney had made chicken the night before, she asked me if I wanted her to pack up the chicken for me to have for lunch. Cooking the chicken fills the house with the smell of air fryer-vented spices for about 12 hours.
“Do you want the chicken tomorrow?”
“No. Smells.”
Did I mention I don’t like heating up food, either?
“Do you want a turkey sandwich? It’s been a long time, though; you probably don’t want that.”
I have to say, Courtney isn’t usually providing lunch options for me so these requests are new. I don’t know why she’s trying to send me with yogurt, veggies, AND lunch.
“No. I’m fine.”
“Why are you so rude? Just say ‘No, thanks.’”
“Why is this a thing?” I don’t want to eat those and I don’t want to pick.
The One-Mile Fight
Then we go on a walk. For the next mile, which is about 17 minutes for our pace, we are arguing.
“Why are you so rude about the food? You don’t need to be.”
“I’m sorry about that, but I hate picking things. You know this.”
“I’m just OFFERING. What’s wrong with that?”
“I hate picking. There are one billion other things I could be doing aside from picking meals.”
“Just tell me ‘Thanks but I’m good’ and move on.”
“I will almost always say, ‘No’ if I’m asked if I want something.”
Then we have to be quiet because the couple we walk by might hear us. The husband looks like the Red Baron.
We recycle this conversation for the entire mile. Back and forth. It was ridiculous.
What, you don’t do this? Aren’t most marital fights about dumb things that become huge?
Let’s Not Make it Moral
I had a coach work with me one time and he developed a simple way of dealing with conflict.
Turn up the heat: When you turn up the heat, you make the situation harder to tolerate by drawing more attention to it. (“Hey, why do you always do that thing I hate so much?”)
Turn down the heat: When you turn down the heat, you make the behavior easier to tolerate and not draw attention to it. (Maybe you even say nothing when someone does that thing you hate.)
I work on this with CEOs and friends, staff members and spouses, and I’ll ask, “What does this situation need? More intensity or less?” The answer can be surprising. I’ve turned up the heat in certain situations, but I’ve also turned it down.
For this fight? I figured turning it down was the right choice. I mean, this is the mother of my children and the one I have get to sleep beside.
“Hey, can we stop assuming that either person’s desires are superior? You like to provide food; I don’t like to pick food. We’ll always fight over this. I’ll eat whatever you prepare. And if you don’t prepare anything, that’s fine, too.”
“Sounds good.”
Not Everything Needs to Be Personal
So many times the one-mile fight isn’t about the topic at hand but the million other grievances we haven’t addressed.
But here’s a simple question for us today:
Can you make fewer grievances personal and simply tackle the issue at hand?
Not every issue is an opportunity to change the other person. Nor is it an opportunity to bring up 20 other grievances. In all of your relationships you have to handle yours and everyone else’s preferences. Turn down the heat and make a simple change.
This afternoon I opened up the fridge at the office, knowing Courtney had been here. As I looked in, I saw three items: (1) a bag of sliced carrots, (2) a container of hummus, and (3) a serving of yogurt with chia seeds and fruit. All sitting on the top shelf.
I didn’t ask for them; she didn’t say she’d make them. We didn’t walk a mile and fight over whether or not I wanted them (and had she asked me if I wanted them, I would’ve said, “No.”) But lunch was served.
And now those same containers sit beside me, empty, as I write this.
Where in your life do you need to turn down or turn up the heat? I’d love to hear it. Post below or reply back and let me know.
AUTHOR’S COMMENTARY: Don’t forget the behind-the-scenes of the post with the author’s commentary.
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There’s a common theme that I’ll hear from people who find their way into my life.
I love and hate that video! I still most times just want to pull that nail out!!!