Stop Apologizing, Start Committing
One change can make a significant difference in how others view—and trust—us.
A note to readers: Thanks for being here for launch week! I wanted to give you a taste of both “Real Life” and “Real Leadership” right from the start.
Going forward, you can expect one post from me each week, alternating between the two sections. I always love hearing from you, so please feel free to reply to any email with what resonates.
I wrote last week about the vows we make and how they form us. Today, we flip it.
While vows are a commitment we make based off of an experience, I want to now talk about commitments we make to help us become a certain kind of person—a more trustworthy one.
Trust is the currency every human deals in. It doesn’t matter if you are a mom, a pastor, a boss, an employee, a business, or a friend—everybody trades in trust. You cannot escape it, but for many of us, trust lacks. It’s a scarce commodity that you can’t do much without.
Take fifteen seconds and think about a time someone promised you something and didn’t deliver. Now think about something you told someone and you failed to deliver. (I bet you are more gracious toward yourself than you are toward them.)
How long did it take to get an example? Did it even take the whole 15 seconds or were you left with time to spare?
When promises are broken, trust vanishes.
What is Trust?
When I teach leaders on trust, I define it like this:
Trust is our confidence in the safety and integrity of one’s relationships, leading to free-flowing cooperation.
You have confidence in the relationships (these could be interpersonal, directed toward a business or organization, within a team, etc.) because they are safe (not out to harm you) and because they have integrity. Integrity means something is solid and consistent internally and externally—what is inside corresponds to what is outside.
The result of high trust? Free-flowing cooperation. The result of low-trust? Distance, avoidance, and self-reliance.
If you feel as if your boss, your spouse, or your friend is pulling away, there’s a pretty good chance the distance stems from lost trust.
I work with an organization called the Trust Edge Leadership Institute to help teams and leaders understand and grow in trust. They communicate trust as having eight pillars. One my favorite pillars: commitment.
What’s the Deal With Commitments?
Go back to the promise made to you that was broken or the promise you made that you broke. If “promise” feels too strong, just use the word “commitment.” Often, the breach is not one of catastrophic proportions; it is simple. These simple breaches are where the trust-breaking happens in full force—and often do the most long-term damage.
You tell your son you will be home early to take him out and you get held up.
You tell your boss you will have the report by Friday at 10am and you head into the weekend having not finished it and hoping nobody brings it up.
You tell your friend you’ll reach out to see how her first day at the new job was and you forget.
Most of us know we have breached trust; we just hope we won’t get caught.
When I coach leaders, I will almost always leave each conversation by asking, “So what are you going to commit to have done by our next meeting?” I want simple commitments that can stack over time and that are clearly able to be marked as “done” or “not done.”
I’ll read two chapters of the book on anxiety.
I’ll talk to my spouse one time about our son’s schooling situation.
I’ll ask three people their thoughts on my strengths and weaknesses and share the feedback with my best friend.
I’ll call three potential clients and ask how to earn their business.
I’ll spend five minutes praying every day about my anger toward my mom.
Then we write them down. Whether or not they are kept is one thing (they often aren’t hit at 100%); what I’m looking for is the honest ownership of the commitments. These leaders aren’t committing into thin air, or onto a piece of software. They’re committing to me.
I failed this one time recently. I had made a commitment to a friend, and my coach at the time, to write up a document—then I didn’t. The document was purely for me, not for him, but I committed to him that I’d do it. He smiled and asked why I didn’t follow through.
“I decided it wasn’t that important so I didn’t do it.”
“It seemed important when you said you’d do it two weeks ago. What changed?”
“What changed was how important I thought it was. Why does it matter? Leave me alone.”
“I just want to know why you cared so much about it not that long ago and now you don’t.”
“I just want you to shut up.” (I didn’t say that, but my tone did.)
Honestly, I didn’t have a good response for him. I was more just annoyed that my friend—whom I was paying to coach me—kept pointing me back to a commitment I didn’t keep.
Why am I paying him to annoy me?
Because he was right. I thought about my issue more and more. Why was I so okay breaking a commitment? After our session ended, I realized that I had no good reason not to do what I said I would do.
I did the work (late) not because I made the commitment in isolation, or because of the merits of the act in itself, but because I told a friend I would do it.
I may never use the write-up, but that wasn’t the point. The point was to keep my commitment to a friend.
What commitment should you make?
“Sorry I let you down” feels good, but what we actually need from each other is more follow-through. I’m not concerned about the apology if it fails to result in an actual change in behavior.
So what’s the one secret to gaining back trust almost immediately?
Make a commitment, keep it, then do it again.
Stack these commitments on top of each other and, over time, you will be stunned at the confidence people begin to have in you.
But what if you fail?
Get over yourself. Failure will happen if you are trying to make an impact rather than play it safe. This endeavor isn’t about 100% accuracy. Rather, it’s about (1) committing to a path, (2) owning the commitment, and, when necessary, (3) communicating our failures when they occur before they get discovered. Will you be embarrassed? Probably, but that’s okay. We need the humility.
So, what is it?
What do you need to commit to today that can change your leadership for the better?
What failure do you need to own and make right by your actions, not just your words?
Who listed you as the one who made a promise and didn’t keep it, and what can you do about it today?
This change alone will put you well on your way down the path of trustworthiness, and those around you will thank you for it.
If you’re ever curious about going deeper into how to grow in trust for you and/or your team, reach out. I’d be happy to talk.
Trust = safety 👍