You see them coming as you stroll in on Monday morning—that person who always wants to tell you about what happened to him that weekend even though you aren’t interested.
They’re there when you get together with a group of friends at night—that person who wants to explain their (accurate) opinion on everything that is wrong with the world. You just want to enjoy your dinner.
You might live by them—that individual who has details on every person in the neighborhood.
In a staff meeting years ago, one of our staffers taught me a phrase she has used for such relationships: sandpaper people.
What is a sandpaper person? They’re someone who is rough to us. They make us uneasy for any myriad reasons. It could be they’re too opinionated, needy, confusing, insecure, overly confident, too outgoing, too introverted.
I can’t tell you who your sandpaper person is and you can’t tell me who mine is. Depends on the day, the hour, my mood.
We’re all fickle about who these people are.
You Are Someone Else’s Sandpaper
Before it becomes too much about “them,” you need to know that you are someone else’s sandpaper person. Someone (or many someones) in your life has to adjust who they feel like they are when you show up in their world.
For a while—I kid you not—I had a staff member or two tell me that they got nervous walking by my office. Because of where my desk is located, if my door is open, I see anyone who comes in (unless one guy tries really hard not to be seen). I don’t want that, do I?
Could it be that I’m the difficult one? I wonder if maybe the idea I originally had for sandpaper people was wrong.
Sandpaper People: Who is the Problem?
Different grit sandpapers serve different needs—but all of it smooths. We might think that these rougher people are the problem, but that isn’t the case. Then, after one type, the other type doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
If we sit in the center of our universe, then sandpaper people are those who are merely hindrances to us getting what we want. If that is the case there’s really only one thing to do: avoid them at all costs.
But such an approach removes the very thing that might be good for us. If we avoid those more difficult relationships, we lose out on our own growth.
That’s when I realized the person at work who taught me this very phrase taught it to me to teach me a lesson: that these people aren’t the problem, but that I have the rough edges that need smoothing.
I didn’t like hearing that idea because it is far easier to address others—to address “them”—as the issue. If that’s the case, I am fine and everyone else is the problem.
If you flip the script, I am the problem—we are the problem—that needs changing.
Sandpaper People: How Can I Grow?
This concept stuck with me because of how me-centered my universe can be.
I started a task this year in order to start learning the ways that I can be the problem in relationships. Twice a month I ask someone in my life this question: How can I improve? I let them answer the question however they want. Different people know me in different ways and the feedback will be varied based upon the contours of that relationship.
I tend to ask this to anyone I’m around at the time. I’ve started mainly with people who know me well—it is safer. But recently I asked someone in my extended network just to see how it might go.
I was at lunch with a few other leaders in the area. I asked the question to the whole table but directed it at my friend Michael—I wanted his answer (honestly, because I felt he’d be the most likely to give it).
“Oh no. I’ve learned not to answer those types of questions after a lunch.”
“Come on! Anyone?”
Michael chimes in, “Okay, I have one.”
“Great.”
“This doesn’t bother me; I like vinegar on my fries.”
I had no idea where this was headed.
“Okay?”
“You are very intense. For a guy like me, that’s fine. I’ll match that. But others won’t be able to handle it. You need to be aware of what other people are needing in a conversation so that you don’t miss an opportunity to serve them in a way that helps them.”
“Man. That’s perceptive.”
I’ve only spent a few hours of my life with this guy and yet, anyone who has known me for years would tell you the same thing.
How kind of a friend of mine to take a moment to point out an area where I cause others discomfort. I took a note in my “How Can I Improve? Convos” file.
And it was a huge help.
Rather than look at your relationships thinking of how people are difficult for you, I’d invite you to join me in learning how you might be difficult for others.
How are you someone else’s sandpaper person?
Author Commentary: For some behind the scenes on the story, check this out: