Sometime in the past several years we entered that phase of parenting where, while we aren’t done parenting, we’re past the more significant moments of young mind and heart formation. We’re parenting adolescents. Long gone are strollers, pack and plays, and Chick-fil-A play places. We’ve entered the world of cars, hobbies, deeper friendships, and stronger conflicts.
One drives. We are three years from two high school graduates, five years from an empty nest. Much of the predictability of parenting young ones is behind us. Choices have been made—schooling, hobbies, free time, routines, discipline, etc.—and the impact of those choices will play themselves out over the coming decades.
A good friend of mine jokes that parenting is like cooking a really long meal. The only problem is, you can’t actually eat the meal until it is too late to change the ingredients. You are stuck with how you made it and have to live with the good and the bad.
Courtney and I are getting to the “this is how it’ll taste” phase with a side of “I wonder how it’ll play out for the rest of their lives.”
Some great things and some not-so-great things, I’m sure. (Perhaps we should prepay for some counseling.)
Lamest Vibe Ever
Some years back—long before any were driving and when the world was still ahead of us—I was talking with the kids. We were driving home from school and I said some normal dad saying.
“You have the lamest vibe ever,” one of the kids chimed from the backseat.
I had never been called lame by my kids but I’m sure my vibe is quite lame.
The moment is frozen in time for me because the phrase didn’t fit the one saying it. Like, was he practicing it for a while? Did he hear his friends say it and wanted to try it out? Was he like me when I was a kid and you lock in on a phrase you want to use with one of your parents and you are waiting for an opportunity to take it for a test drive?
I just remember laughing to myself and thinking, “Okay.”
I’m not parenting for a quick moment of correction. I’m parenting for a lifetime.
Lessons in Pride
For us, parenting is about trajectories over time, not reacting to every frustration or correctable moment. Some days are good, some days are bad, many days are forgettable.
But the commitment to not watch our kids like a hawk is easier said than done. One of the hardest aspects is not trying to fix every moment presented to us—but not for the kids’ sake, for our own.
Pride.
Many parents pursue a type of reactive parenting—seeing a situation and trying to correct it because of how it makes the parent feel. The kid has moved on and the dad is still wondering if he (the dad) looks bad because of how his kid is acting.
Pride.
I’ve come down hard on my kids at times—yelling after a practice, for example—because I felt a boy’s effort reflected poorly on me.
“It’s for your good,” we might say. But it’s a lie. It’s for our own vanity. A deep desire to not look bad in front of others.
What we are really doing is letting our own pride and self-image win out over the longer trajectory of a kid’s life.
Letting Many Moments Go
Long-game parenting is in it for what gets worked out over time, not in a moment.
It seeks to give grace, not just punishment. And our kids need lots of grace.
And such an approach can be hard, especially in the face of fierce resistance. (Those parents in my life who parent through many uphill battles are heroes to me.)
I remember when the boys started a new school and we pretty quickly got a note from one of the teachers. It had the usual pleasantries, “So glad to have Johnny in my class . . . ” and then moved toward behavior “ . . . but he doesn’t pay as much attention as I know he can.”
“Yeah, that’s true,” I thought. “He has liked to build things at his desk during class.”
It’s been years and we still get comments similar to that one, but the trajectory is solid. (At least we think it is.)
When the kids have gotten detention (for youthful indiscretions) we think, “Sounds good. Let us know when we need to pick them up.”
But, at the same time, ask any of our boys what the #1 immediately punishable offense is in our home and they can tell you: lying.
That’s been a mantra: Never lie. If we can’t believe each other then it will be hard to grow together as a family.
But we don’t have many other mantras.
The hardest part for me about the long game is the faith that it is better—for us and for the kids—than diving into every moment to try and find micro-improvement.
I have to keep asking myself: am I in it for their long-term good or for my short-term reputation?
Honestly, what I’m in it for depends on the day. But soon enough we’ll start seeing how the meal tastes.
What is your biggest struggle in parenting toward a trajectory vs. parenting for a specific moment?